I am at the point in my life where I compare myself with famed dogs and cats.
Even dogs and cats have thousands of followers and they have their own income. In other words, they can provide food for themselves. Well, it is understandable because they are super cute.
But, it made me think that I really did have a shitty life. A choice I made in the past was a total mistake which only made me suffer. Because of that, I can’t even provide food for myself now. I have been thinking lately that my existence is nothing but a burden. And, the FUD (fear, uncertainty, doubt) is real. It has been a month since I have been struggling in the battle zone. It was a bit hard at first, but later, I didn’t feel anything anymore because I became too used to it. I think I have an unusual luck because I had a chance to witness the rain of artillery shells.
At the end of the month, a temporary agreement to cease fire was made. I thought, “We can have a temporary peace of mind for a while”, but covid says hi. “If you are going to struggle, struggle to the fullest.” life said to me. It made me question back. “I am just a shut-in who watch anime and play games the entire time but what did I do to deserve this?” “Why do I need to live in constant fear?” “Why?” “Just Why?” I really cannot understand this. The world is a merciless and unfair place.
Do you know what it is like to be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark, to be kicked when you’re down, to feel like you’ve been pushed around, and to be on the edge of breaking down? I think I am still a completely sane person because I went through a serious depressed state since I was seventeen. Depression is kind of immune to me now. I am not depressed. I am not sad and I am not happy either. I am already an empty person. To save the soul, destroy it and your heart will wake up and revive again.
The flowers won’t bloom in the bloody dystopian world. In every age, in every place, the deeds of humans remain the same. History is patiently waiting while holding a list of judgements. While facing with a test that cannot be solved using mathematics, guessing the formula to change tomorrow and trembling in the sudden lost answer is all we can do.
For the sake of the golden sparkling scene before my eyelids, even if there is no tomorrow, I keep living. There is no path that can be passed without scars. No living thing is born only to get hurt. Look closely upon the swaying waves when you stop the rudder and then sail away again. A hope will shine on the sailing route in the midst of an uncivilized sea. Our connected voice will shake the sail to the world without answers. You’re not alone. Just proceed the stormy sea and surpass the darkness. Just go ahead. Fate that over time changes into chains of sorrow, leave the light for the rebirth of the world ahead.
“Plus Ultra” for this shitty life!
Jun 30, 2021