23
Another year has been added to my age. In a flash, I’m now 23. I don’t know why I’m here on Earth or what I should be doing. Like a boat sailing aimlessly on a vast sea, I feel empty and lost. So, how does the 23-year-old me see this world?
Everything is about value evaluation I think. All of them is about profit and loss as we are self-interested. Human sentiments are transient. Decisions will always be made for material gains. People only act when they have something to gain. There’s no way you’ll be saved if you’re empty-handed. That’s a given.
“This world is not meant for good people” and “Good people die early” are widely accepted opinions around the world. I think they’re true. Good people are often an eyesore or an obstacle in the path of greedy, self-centered individuals. It’s even worse if you dare to speak the truth to their faces. Even if a person is broad-minded and possesses a noble heart, how long can that last when the majority is corrupt? Despite all the good in this world, it only takes one to destroy it. A rotten apple can spoil the whole barrel.
The world has lost its clarity. The queen remains oblivious during the showdown between justice and evil. Pawns in the game represent right and wrong, who will break the deadlock? The strong are held down by the chain of responsibility, while the weak are kept desperate under the feet of society. Can you still smile after seeing the true world? A society without smiles has no bright future. Yet, in a dystopian world, you can only smile if you turn a blind eye to everything. The more you know, the sadder you become.
Although you’re an introvert living in your own little world, someone you’ve never known in your entire life can still affect you. He claims, “Your everything is mine.” Of course, this shouldn’t be interpreted from a romantic point of view. Eren from Attack on Titan said, “You can’t be racist if there are no races,” right? He applies a similar principle. If you don’t submit, he goes, “There’s no need for rights if there are no lives.” Then he adds, encouragingly, “It might get a bit dystopian, and you may have to climb volcanoes and cross a sea of swords, but don’t worry. You’re not alone. Millions are with you. We should all go through thick and thin together.” Hearing his heart-touching words, you smile at him, but you’re dead inside.
I thought “world domination” was a teenager’s quest, but I can see some adults are still at it. If you’re itching to become a conqueror of the world, please play world conquest games — there are plenty of them. If they don’t satisfy you because you crave real-life events, then request game companies to adapt real-world scenarios into simulations. Technology is advanced enough; game companies can make it happen. Please don’t start wars in the physical world. No war is justified, and they only bring pain and suffering.
When I was a teenager, I used to wonder, “What is the point of having a ruler or a governor in the first place?” I thought it was to solve problems and fulfill the wishes of common people. It’s almost too funny. I didn’t realize I was capable of cracking jokes. When I was in primary school, I had a history teacher who often said, “I’m afraid of humans.” Back then, I didn’t understand her, but now I think I share the same sentiment. I’m afraid of humans. I don’t know why, but I’ve no faith in humanity.
Getting old is hard to cope with. Your dreams, plans, hopes, ambitions, and entire belief system shatter before your eyes, and you have to deal with it somehow. Something feels wrong, but you move along, and parts of you are slowly gone. My rusted heart can hear echoes of the avidity I’ve lost. I’m tired of phrases like “Endure it,” “Bear with it,” “Tolerate it,” “Get used to it,” and so on. If you’re not happy with something, you don’t need to keep clinging to it. Be smart enough to let it go. People only truly understand something when the pain is inflicted on them. No matter what sort of realities you’re forced to confront, never lose sight of who you are and keep moving forward. Don’t let the situation crush you.
I love solitude more than humans. That’s why I think I have received only a small amount of society’s bad influences. However, humans are social animals. When the society’s influences reach me, will I still be myself or will I become a completely different person? The weakness to lose which can’t be lost and the fragility to lose faith in everything hit me. One day, if my worldview becomes distorted and my heart becomes twisted, it won’t be my fault, right?
Some people become more closed-minded as they age. It’s impossible to describe the ocean to a frog in a well. Some have never seen the ocean and think the river is the most magnificent. While others can see the entirety of autumn through a single fallen leaf. So, never become a closed-minded person. Don’t ever limit yourself. Learn new things, try new experiences, and accumulate as much as you can. Have a heart open to diversity and go see the big, wide world. Being alive always gives you the chance to go beyond your horizons.
Sometimes, you think you’ve come up with a new idea, but later you find out it was already thought of by someone centuries ago. The more you know, the more you realize how much you don’t know. I was born at the end of the 20th century and am living in the 21st century. Yay, I’ve lived in two centuries and two millennia! It is said that in 10 years, one can witness the alteration of springs and autumns. In 100 years, one can witness the cycle of life and death. In 1,000 years, one can witness the rise and fall of dynasties. In 10,000 years, one can witness the shifting of the cosmos. If a mortal like me wants to comprehend hundreds of thousands of years of the universe in a single day, am I not like a frog at the bottom of a well? We are all frogs in wells; the only difference is that some wells are larger than others.
In this grand scheme of things, if an insignificant existence like me yearns for a simple, peaceful, yet exciting life, am I asking for too much?”
How do I see my 23-year-old self? A lost person with an existential and identity crisis, struggling with sleeping and eating disorders, who has become immune to depression and is drowning in the depths of despair with nothing to hold onto. And yet, a person whose mind is suffocated by negative sentiments, contradicted by a rational brain that prevents her from falling to the Lucifer effect.
What do I enjoy doing? Well, sitting on the balcony at night and watching the lightning. Since it’s the rainy season, thunderstorms at night are common. Lightning is my current amusement. Whether horizontal or vertical, the light suddenly appears, streaking across the sky like a dragon or spreading like the roots of a tree, only to disappear in the blink of an eye. It’s very exciting. Sometimes, the howls of dogs, the sound of gunshots, and explosive noises accompany the scene. It’s a perfectly thrilling night — one that not everyone will experience in their lifetime. Of course, when the sky is clear, there are stars.
So, any wishes? Yes, I sincerely hope that my lifespan stops withering away fruitlessly.
Any more words? Yes, having is troublesome. Not having is troublesome too.
Aug 30, 2021
