23

Another year added to my age again. Within a flash, I am 23 now. I don’t know why am I here on Earth and what should I be doing. Like a boat sailing aimlessly on a vast sea, I feel very empty and lost. So, how 23-year-old me see this world?

Everything is about value evaluation I think. All of them is about profit and loss as we are self-interested. Human sentiments are transient. Decisions will always be made for material gains. People move only when they have something to gain. There’s no way you’ll be saved if you’re empty-handed. That’s a given.

“This world is not meant for good people.” and “Good people die early.” are widely accepted opinions around the world. And, I think it is true. Good people are always an eyesore or an obstacle on the path of greedy self-centered people. It is worse if you dare to say the truth in their face. Even though a person is broad-minded and possesses a noble heart, how long will it last when the majority is corrupted? Even with all the good in this world, all it takes is only one to destroy. A rotten apple can spoil the whole barrel.

The world lost its clarity. The queen is oblivious during the showdown between justice and evil. Pawns in the game correlates with right and wrong, who will break the deadlock? The strong are held down through the chain of responsibility and the weak are kept desperate under the feet of society. Can you still smile after seeing the true world? A society without smiles will not have a bright future. But, if you are in the dystopian world, you will be able to smile only when you turn a blind eye to everything. It’s because the more you know, the sadder you become.

Although you are a little introvert who lives in your little own world, someone you have never known in your entire life can affect you. He claims, “Your everything is mine.” Of course, the line shouldn’t be interpreted from romantic point of view. Eren from AoT went, “You can’t be racist if there is no races”, right? He applied the same principle. If you don’t submit, he goes, “There is no need for rights if there is no lives.” Then, he encouraged, “It becomes a bit dystopia-like and you may have to climb volcanoes and cross the sea of swords, but, don’t worry. You are not alone. Millions are accompanying you. We all should go through thick and thin together.” Hearing his heart-touching words, you smile at him, but you are dead inside.

I thought “world domination” is a teenager’s quest but I can see that some adults are still at it. If you are too itching to become the conqueror of the world, please play world conquest games. There are a lot of them. If they do not satisfy you because you need real-life events, please request game companies to adapt real-world events into simulations. Technology is very advanced. Game companies can do it. Please don’t start wars in the physical world. No war is justified and they only bring pain and sufferings.

When I was a teenager, I used to wonder, “What is the point of having a ruler or a governor in the first place?” and I thought it was to solve problems and fulfill the wishes of common people. It is too funny. I didn’t know I am capable of cracking jokes. When I was a primary student, there was a history teacher who often said, “I am afraid of humans.” Back then, I didn’t understand her but I think I share the same thoughts now. I am afraid of humans. I don’t know why but I have no faith in humanity.

Getting old is hard to cope. Your dreams, plans, hope, ambitions, and the entire belief system shattered in front of your eyes and you have to deal with it somehow. Something is wrong but you move along and parts of you are slowly gone. My rusted heart can hear echoes of the avidity I lost. I am tired of some phrases such as “Endure it.”, “Bear with it.”, “Tolerate it.”, “Get used to it.”, etc. If you are not happy with something, you don’t need to continue to cling on it. Be smart enough to let it go. People come to truly understand something only when the pain is inflicted on them. No matter what sort of realities you’re forced to confront, never lose sight of who you are and keep moving forward. Don’t let the situation crush you.

I love solitude more than humans. That’s why I think I received only a small amount of society’s bad influences. However, humans are social animals. When the society’s influences reach me, will I still be me or will I become a completely different person? The weakness to lose which can’t be lost and the fragility to lose faith in everything hit me. One day, if my world’s view becomes distorted and my heart becomes twisted, it is not my fault, right?

Some people became more closed-minded as they age. It’s impossible to describe the ocean to a frog in a well. Some people have not seen the ocean and think the river is the most magnificent. And, some people could see the entirety of autumn through one fallen leaf. So, never become a closed-minded person. Don’t ever limit yourself. Learn new things, try new things and accumulate as many experiences as you can. Have a heart to accept the diversity and go see the big wide world. Being alive always allows you to go beyond your horizon.

Sometimes, you think you thought of a new idea, but later you found out that it’s already thought of by someone centuries ago. The more you know, the more you know that you don’t know. I was born at the end of 20th century and living in the 21st century. Yay, I’ve lived in two centuries and two millennia. It is said that with 10 years, one could witness the alteration of springs and autumns. With a 100 years, one could witness the cycle of life and death. With a 1000 years, one could witness the change of dynasties. In 10,000 years, one could witness the shift of the cosmos. If a mortal like me wants to discern hundreds of thousands of years of the universe within one day, am I not like a frog at the bottom of the well? We all are frogs in a well. The only difference is some wells are larger than others.

In this grand scheme of things, if an insignificant existence like me yearns for a simple and peaceful yet exciting life, am I being too much?

How do I see my 23-year-old self? A lost person with existential and identity crisis having sleeping and eating disorder who becomes immune to depression and struggling in the depths of despair with nothing to grasp on. And, a person whose mind is suffocated with negative sentiments, but contradicted by the rational brain which prevents her from the Lucifer effect.

What do I enjoy doing? Well, sitting in the balcony at night and looking at the lightning. Since it is the raining season, the thunderstorm at night is common. Lightning is my current amusement. Horizontally or vertically, the light suddenly appears, runs like a dragon, spreads like roots of a tree across the sky and disappear within a blink of an eye. It is very exciting. Sometimes, the howls of dogs, the sounds of gunshots, and explosive noises accompany the scene. It is a perfect thrilling night that not everyone will experience in their entire life. Of course, when the sky is clear, there are stars.

So, any wish? Yeah, sincerely hoping that my lifespan is no longer withering away fruitlessly.

Any more words? Yeah, having is troublesome. Not having is also troublesome.

Aug 30, 2021