One more year added to my age again. I don’t like it. As I grow older, I feel like I lost everything I have.
When I was a kid, I loved observing insects, small animals, and plants. I loved to watch ants walking in a line. When I saw a new plant, I was like, “What is its name? The shape of the leave is interesting. Its root is popping up. Where can I use it? Does it need water to grow? Can I take home?” But, for now, when my sister told me she saw a large frog outside, I was like, “Whatever.” When I was a teenager, I participated in almost every competition. But right now, when I saw announcements of competitive programs, I was like, “Whatever.” Even competition doesn’t excite me anymore. Where did my curiosity go? A world without curiosity is a dull world with no new discoveries. Every day is lame.
As a person who grew up reading many books and watching many movies and series (especially anime), I feel like I know many things. A friend told me a story she thought very interesting but for me, after hearing a sentence, I know the whole story and I instantly lost interest. I lose interest in something very easily and what worse is that I think I know everything and I don’t listen to others anymore. I disregard everything and I learn nothing. And, a world without newness and fresh ideas is simply a plain boring hell. Every day is boring for me.
Living isn’t simple. We need to acquire skills to survive. And, there are too many skill sets. Like playing in a game, I tried tutorials of many skills I think I am interested in and love them. After playing around in tutorials and when tutorials are finished, it is time to play real matches. In real matches, some skills should be acquired and need to level up continuously. As a person with wide interests, it is a problem for me. I am not sure what skill should I level up. I am disoriented and chaotic and end up with none of my skills upgraded.
Another thing about getting old is learning and accepting the word “impossible”. By impossible, I do not mean a person’s potential. It means the limitation of resources available to us. Resources such as time, energy, money, etc have limits.
As a teenager, I thought I can do anything and everything is possible for me. As I get older, I find changing myself a very difficult task. Every society has its rules and the majority matters. If I am willful and disliked, I am out. As I learned many limitations, I come to accept fitting in to survive is more important than my selfish dreams.
Knowing many things at a young age is not a good sign. Losing interest in something instantly and the resistance to learning new things are withdrawal symptoms. And, once you learned it, you can’t easily forget them. Some things are better left unknown. Knowledge is cursed and it is always a double-edged sword. The world becomes dull.
When I was a kid, I was very playful like a monkey always roaming on the streets and never home. As I become an adult, I still want to play but nobody plays anymore. They are busy with their life. Since there are no playmates, I am in my little room living in my little world. I become introverted. Being an adult is not easy. Whatever you do, you are judged. Somehow, living in virtual worlds where no one knows you is better. And then, I do not pay attention to my surroundings anymore. There is a famous quote, “Look at everything as though you are seeing it for the first time, with eyes of a child, fresh with wonder.” Well, I don’t even look at them anymore. The world is mundane.
I am kind of used to many storylines and plots since I had too much time to kill in the past. “Fresh and Original” has run out for me. When I try new books, movies, or series, mostly, it is like, “It is that kind of plot again.” I feel like there is nothing new for me. The world becomes uninteresting.
There is also this word, “fear”. We learned it on our way. Nobody enjoys pain. Me too. If something will put me in pain, I am sure I will try to avoid it. Lately, I don’t try new things and I don’t have an urge to take new challenges. Yearning for adventures? It depends. And, you come to understand fairy tales are only tales and made-up stories are only stories. The world becomes unexciting.
As a person who learns things super fast, what I think the dullest thing to do is repeating. I am always in need of something new. Can you imagine what it’s like to feel bored, no matter what? I’ve tried to find things to entertain myself, but nothing is ever enough. There might be a world that doesn’t bore me. Every single day might be fresh and fun in its own way. Is there such a paradise?
I am a slothful person. If excitement, curiosity, wondering mind, courage, fighting spirit, and dreams were taken away from me, I am nothing more than a lazy person lying on the bed. No wonder I feel empty. (Wait, I have a second thought. I am not sure it is emptiness or calmness.)
I don’t like getting old. I don’t want to get old. I don’t like it. I don’t like it. I don’t like it. Is there a way to own a childlike heart forever?
Is it why adults pursue pleasures and alcohol? Is it their way to forget the problematic mundane world?
Aug 31, 2020